Allow myself to introduce, myself...

It's been very public knowledge, and I'm sure most of you know this part of my ‘story’ but for those who don’t... My daughter Lilee-Jean was born Dec 5, 2010. At 10 months old she was diagnosed with a very aggressive, cancerous brain tumour, Glioblastoma (GMB). Lilee spent roughly the next 1.5 years in and out of hospital and dealing with surgeries, chemotherapy, physical therapy, etc etc. LJ’s mom, Chelsey, has a blog that goes much further in-depth on Lilee’s journey and her own journey at www.thechelseydiaries.com . To cut a very deservingly long story short, Lilee-Jean Frances Putt passed away at Canuck Place on Sept 6th 2013. 

Needless to say I’ve struggled greatly in life over the past couple years. While Lilee was around, it was a mixture of survival-mode and enjoying-every-last-second-with-her-mode. Now that Lilee is gone the real struggle has set in. I’ve tried dealing with things in a few healthy ways, and a probably more unhealthy ways. Counselling, exercise, meditation, prayer, music, sex, drugs, alcohol, violence… I’m sure you can see where to draw the line. Now to completely jump ship for a second, I wrote a couple great songs during those times, some that have been heard some that have not. I am terrible with dates, so when I say close to 10 months ago, take it with a grain of salt, but i’ve been on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for a while now. Has it helped? Sure, ish, I guess..? Do I get as angry anymore? No. Do I get as sad anymore? No… Do I cry as much as I used to? No… Do I get as HAPPY as I used to? No. 

Is being TOO emotional an issue I needed help with? I think thats the main question.

Jump ship again, try and keep up with me lol. Over the past 10, ish, months I’ve been wanting to write more songs. I have endless amounts of inspiration and many stories to tell but the emotion seems to be missing. I’m definitely looking for an excuse here as to why I haven’t been writing as much music and I think I’ve found a good one. Does taking medication make it impossible to write songs? No, of course not. But it will mess with the chemical balance in your body and affect your emotions big time. Some writers can write with no emotions and pump out a top 40 hit everyday from their office in LA and sell it to whoever the hottest young thing going is. Other people need to cry and be depressed while they write music. Or be head over heels in love to write music. The most gifted and prolific song writers need to FEEL while they write. So allow myself to introduce myself while I explain that I feel I haven’t been feeling enough to put feeling into my music!!! 

Last month I cut my medication dosage in half, and I've been feeling it! Dreams are coming back! Some good, some bad, tears are starting to well up, and I’m starting to notice signs LJ has been sending through different avenues. I think while I was numbing my pain and emotions with this medication I could have been missing a lot of these. Cutting down the meds in combination with her anniversary approaching is leading me to feel more close to her then I ever have since she passed away. 

LJ’s bringing me back to Hawaii for her anniversary. We had our most precious memories there and she found me a killer deal that was too good to refuse. She posted it on Facebook via our friend Lori, whose initials are actually LJ! And the trip Lori was getting rid of was from Sept 1-9 which lines up exactly with Lilee-Jean's date of passing. Coincidence..? Ya right. 

So the first thing I am going to do when I get to Hawaii is buy myself a ukulele, go to the beach, and FEEL. 

Losing a child changes who you are. It creates a new you, full of new emotions and new ways of looking at life. It changes you for better and for worse. This is something I need to deal with, and accept, as well as all my friends and family who want to be in my life. I’m getting off this medication as quickly, and safely, as possible. I’m going to get all my emotions back because they are who I am. I’m gonna be sad and depressed and write about it. I’m gonna be in love and happy and write about it. I’m going to deal with my loss in a healthy, natural way. 

I promised more original music.. so here are the lyrics to an un-performed song I wrote as my thank you for reading my blog. 

“A gentle voice called to me and said don’t worry child

he took my hand and asked if I'd walk with him for a while

he took my heart and soul to heaven and stopped all my pain

I’m 4 years old now and you wouldn’t believe I got a pair of wings

 

    I’m an angel now I'm singing in the stars

    dancing on the clouds in heaven 

    where all nice people are

 

    I’m an angel now, life without an end

    so hang on tight and don’t you cry

    I’ll see you again, on the otherside

 

you should see this place, you should see what I can do

I play all day, I can run and jump as high as the moon!

Did you know that theres no cancer here and no bed time either

I talked to god and he says that you’re all welcome here!

 

    I’m an angel now I’m singing in the stars

    dancing on the clouds in heaven 

    where all nice people are

 

    I’m an angel now, life without an end

    so hang on tight and don’t you cry

    I’ll see you again, on the otherside

 

It would sure be nice to hear your voice and hold you for a while

I miss you hugs and miss your kisses I wanna see you smile

I’ve tried but I can’t understand why he’d take you away

When I've had all I can take I close my eyes and pray

 

that your an angel now

and your singing in the stars

dancing on the clouds in heaven where all nice people are

Ya I hope that your an angel now

and you don’t feel any pain

if you can hear me hang on tight and don’t you cry

 

I miss your smile…I’m by your side…I don’t know why…

Im on the other side.”